Happiest Place on Earth My FOOT!
by KawaiiBlackMoon
Summary: From fangirls to overpriced foods, trusting Mickey to go to Disney World was a big mistake! It's their fault for trusting a talking mouse offering a FREE vacation.


Disclaimer: If I own Kingdom Hearts, I'd own Square-Enix, and if I owned Square-Enix, I'll make a Square-Enix Land! Weeeeeeee! This fic is utter crack and crap. Seeing as how I'm babysitting my sister's dog, eating, and watching Air Gear at the same time…I hate that dog so much. Funny how I didn't smoke or drank anything funny while writing this…I was sane…well, sane in my standards at least…my back's itchy…beware of the OOCness!

Dedicated to my friends who've slept on the streets/bus station with me in Disney World, Orlando, Florida…Nainu, Emily, Anna, and Liz…let's do it again next year at Disneyland! …Or at FanimeCon 2007...

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With the Organization XIII kicked in the ass and Mansex-I mean Xemnas pwnd as in owned by Sora and Riku and not by the Professional Women's Network, King Mickey, being filthy richer than Bill Gates that he is, thought it would do the two best friends some good to have a nice vacation together as well as to thank them for saving the universe. Especially since they're doing bad concerning their school work due to the nearly 3 year absence. After all, with all the schoolwork they've missed, it's no wonder why they flunked all their classes besides P.E. and they certainly did not study, or read a book even, while fighting the Heartless and Nobodies. All expenses were paid for since Disney was a multi-million corporation ready to takeover the world by its copyrights powers of doom that destroys all Kingdom Hearts doujinshi the yaoi fan girls love so much and are willing to sell their souls to the devil to possess one.

The Happiest Place On Earth™, or Disney World was the best option for the two since Disneyland sucks ass because Disney World's Epcot sells Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Cards and Pokémon Trading Cards while Disneyland sells jack squat. It was from the bottom of King Mickey's heart to see Riku and Sora happy and finally enjoying themselves without fearing Xemnas out to get them and rape their ass like a pedophile that he is. But the enormous size and the just as enormous lines to the rides turned The Happiest Place On Earth™ to The Happiest Place On Earth My Aching Feet just after few days of their stay at Orlando, Florida of United States of America Which Goes to War to "Spread Democracy."

The plane ride to Orlando was great. The movie was ancient. The "soup" they gave them smelled and tasted like crap (AN: I'm never riding on a Japanese Airplane ever again. I'd rather ride that Korean Air thing that crashes at least once every 12 months…at least I'll die of full stomach filled with decent food….)

"Are we there yet Riku? I can't feel my legs and my butt! Why couldn't we just take the gummi ship? I see dead people! I'm hungry!" That earned Sora a whack in the head with Riku's secret sack of munny, which were not so secret anymore.

"Stop complaining! At least we didn't hit turbulence when you went to the bathroom like it did to that weird fat bald man!" Riku, too, were having a "great" time, "Just drop dead like Kairi over there or something. Be thankful it was Mickey who paid of all this and not us because I'd be crying blood if it was my own money. This better be worth it…."

Riku was normally patient when it comes to waiting especially because Sora was not the brightest in the world. He waited for Sora and his animal friends to figure out the clues and find his way to The World That Never Was But If That's True Why is It Here. But his patience grew thin and thin each passing moment of his sexy life. I mean, come on! He was the only one on this universe with a Soul Eater which he fought against Sora countless times before his stay at "All Expenses Free But We Have No Electricity, Food, and Bath" Kingdom Hearts Hotel inside the said Kingdom Hearts. When he, once again, fought Sora with his Soul Eater in the Land of Dragons, Sora recognized him by feeling rather than common sense. After that incident, Riku whacked Sora with a sack of munny every time he became annoyed.

Why a sack of munny? Well, after his stay with Diz, or Ansem the Wise, and King Mickey, he became a complete Scrooge despite the fact that his family was one of the richest families in Destiny Islands. Ansem the Wise being a king, he had never in his entire life have performed any kind of labor and as for King Mickey, who the hell in their right mind would hire a talking mouse? He was known for his brains while his physical strength was as good as a sick, over-weight 10 year old. Due to that, Riku had to work for various jobs, from building a railway with bunch of Chinese people to juggling coconuts in drag. Ansem the Wise helped at first but after being fired 9 times within 3 weeks, including the time he set the fire station on fire, Riku had just about enough. With so little munny, it was hard for both men, and a mouse, to survive. To make it worse, Ansem the Wise bough sea-salt ice cream every chance he got and Riku didn't even want to think about the money he had to come up with for all the computers and junk back in Twilight Town. He had to resort to gambling in order to make a living, but because he was still underage, he had to drink lot of milk and eat fishes every single day until he grew tall to look old enough to gain access into the Native American casinos. Money, sadly, became number one in Riku's Book of Obsessions and Desires, right above wanting to become the next Oprah. Finding Sora was only number 5 while taking over Microsoft and getting 1/60 Scale Strike Freedom Gundam were 3 and 4.

Kairi, not wanting to be left behind again, have blackmailed Donald about his little "Nazi Episode" back in 1943 to have her join her two best friends. Also, Namine and Roxas separated from their original selves to join their trip. The King reasoned that it was because they were such good help and that it's not fair for them to enjoy all the fun that is Disney themselves. However, the true reason behind those "generous" and "kind" words were that more the people, the more they spend money on their Disney souvenir goods and overpriced foods that taste like shit no matter what the Food Network wants you to believe during its Disney specials. Except the hotdogs. Their hotdogs taste good.

Namine was busy finishing her latest Harry Potter Doujinshi for the upcoming Convention. It was of Hagrid doing beeeeep at the beeeep with Dumbledore when they were beeeep and the donkey comes in and beeep beeeeeep and a unicorn beep beeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Roxas never knew Namine's sick sense of humor and her hobby. At least not yet.

Roxas was busy looking outside the window…there were nothing but clouds and additional hunk of lands. He was happy to be back to his own self again but at the moment, he regretted it. There was nothing to DO and he just wanted to die. And it has been 5 hours of nothing and only God knows how much more he can take until they arrive to their destination. His PSP died long time ago and he wouldn't read a book to save his heartless life. Maybe he should've brought one of the Harry Potter books and knock himself out by beating himself on the head like Kairi have done few hours before.

"But what if our plane wets hijacked by terrorists? Like how they hijacked the gummi ship and crashed it into Kingdom Hearts!" Sora acting frantic was an understatement. Too bad Riku didn't give a chocobo's ass about it.

"First of all, this isn't an American airplane Sora, it's JAPANESE! That's why the soup they served was crappy and looked like barf! And second, why the hell would terrorists hijack a JAPANESE plane? Hmm? Only thing left to crash is the White House and they'll be doing the country a big favor by killing off THE MOST "popular" president in the history of United States of America. And Finally, what the _hell_, Sora, are you jabbering about?" Riku didn't even have the energy to whack Sora anymore.

"Remember? When I was fighting Ansem-I mean, Xehanort's Heartless with the Power Rangers and you were trapped in that flying house! And then the North Korean terrorists hijacked my gummi ship then crashed it into Kingdom Hearts! Then that house came down and crushed Xehanort's Heartless! Remember? You were wearing the same dress Alice wore except you were in red high heels-"

"Holy shit! You mean that was REAL? When I dreamt it back in Twilight Town, I thought I was crazy or something!" Roxas, being Sora, interrupted in disbelief.

"No. That was just a dream. Do you really think I'm the type of person to wear a fucking dress?"

"Yes," chirped Namine happily, "You're pretty enough Riku!"

"I remember when we were little," Sora was thinking back to their childhood days before Kairi was washed up on the shore, "Your mom wanted a girl but had you instead so she dressed you up like one until we got into swords and sports."

"Can we stop talking about it? It's horrible enough already!" Riku banged his head on the little table thing attached to the front seat of the…seat…thing…whatever.

"We can talk about where we're going…I forgot the name of it. It was Disney something…." Roxas suggested.

"What do you think is there, Riku?" There really was nothing better to do.

"How should I know? I was expecting myself to rot in Destiny Islands to the day I die of an old age or by having brain tumor like all those sappy Asian soap operas. But it can't be that bad. I mean, he said it's an amusement park so we should be "amused" by whatever this Disney World is."

As on cue, children of all age began to scream in excitement. If they had not mention "Disney World" in their fingernails-on-chalkboard scream, people would've thought their plane was hijacked by a group of terrorists. If this were to be a public bus, and not an air plane, the 60 year old red neck would've still had his gun and probably would had shot all the children and magically turn them into human cheese. But instead, he stuffed his ears with toilet paper that were suck on his shoe when he went to the bathroom right before they hit turbulence. Why is a redneck flying in a Japanese airplane? The world may never know.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BRATS!" Roxas, being short tempered as he is and the hunger affecting his brains, "If you don't stop right now, I swear to JENOVA I'm going to kill your ass you-" All of a sudden, there was a big BANG and Roxas was out cold.

"STOP YELLING RIGHT NEXT TO MY EAR, HURRICANE HEAD!" Riku yelled while holding his SoM (Sack of Munny.) At least Roxas got his wish of being knocked out.

'Men' thought Namine, as she finished with her doujinshi and moved onto her second. With the crappy crayons the Organization XIII paid her with when she was "working" for them, her drawings looked like utter crap that a finger painting by some 3 year old blind kid looked like Mona Lisa. Perhaps it was because those crayons were made with the flesh and grease from the European Jews during the Second World War. But now, she has discovered the world of technology: Photoshop.

"What's all that noise?" Kairi finally woke up after 6 hours, "Wow, it's been 6 hours already? Dang…"

"Nice to have you back Kairi, the boys seems to be enjoying themselves." Namine said as she Photoshop away her troubles…if that made any sense.

"Hmm, so we're still not there yet, huh?" With that, she knocked herself out cold, once more, with her Harry Potter book, thinking, 'I should've brought _War and Peace_ instead.'

"I'm going to the restroom." Sora got up and walked to the restroom.

"He so better not take a dump because that would be embarrassing as hell." Riku tried to think of many ways to make quick money to amuse himself.

"At least he's not you."

"Well, sucks to be you. You have to share the same body with him again as soon as this is over."

"…don't remind me."

While Sora was minding his own business and lightening his body of smelly body fluids, the plane hit turbulence that caused Sora, who was STILL minding his own business, to lose his balance and fall on his ass, only to have you know what all over the restroom and some on his clothes.

"Oh, _hell_ no." This was bad. This was worse than taking s dump, or in worse cases, diarrhea, in a restroom at a fancy restaurant or at school while someone else was occupying the stall right next to yours. How embarrassing. Unless you're in missions in middle of nowhere spreading the Word of God while not sleeping, eating, drinking, and showering properly that people gets sick and that leads them to take a dump right next to each other while having the most refreshing (for lack of better term) conversation (AN: An experience I'll never be able to go through ever again...or will I?)

Any normal inhabitants of Downtown San Francisco would have left the restroom without any kind of guilt, embarrassment, or shame since that place reeks of the wonderful stench of urine. But Sora was from Destiny Island where everything's G rated with no gay marriage, hobos, said hobos selling newspapers in front of a free newspaper stand, and everything else that are everything but rated G. Being the good and responsible young man he is, with a hink of insanity on the side, Sora began to clean, thinking, it could've been worse. What could've been worse? Taking a dump and running out of toilet paper, that's what. He couldn't ask the person next stall for some toilet paper since there's no space for them to exchange toilet papers. Then his options would be: A: Just walk out without wiping. B: Just sit there like an idiot. C: Use used toilet papers. D: Use his fingers. E: Be smart and use his socks.

After 49 minutes, Sora was done cleaning the bathroom and his clothes and dried them up with Fira. It was peaceful. The children was somewhat silent after everyone knew better not to use the "D" word anymore and Sora, exhausted from all the maid work in the bathroom, was sleeping like a dog. But it's always calm before the storm…

"Mommy! Lookie! It's a unicorn! And the stewardesses are taking a nap!" said as young child in delight and awe.

Indeed. There was a unicorn- no, 5 unicorns standing with the stewardesses lying dead on the floor. But to make to make it even weirder than it already was, the unicorns were wearing colorful spandex and masks. Each unicorn wore different colored spandex: red, blue, black, yellow, and pink, otherwise known as "Power Ranger Colors," these unicorns sure was a sight to behold.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Roxas pretty much summed up what everybody was feeling up to that point.

"They let some damn horses with horns in but I can't bring some chickens marinated with crack in here? Them racist bitches! I want my money back!" some random white black-wannabe cried out ghetto style with hand motions.

"Ranger Black! Kill this mother fucker" said the red unicorn while doing hand-I mean hoof motions.

"Roger that Ranger Red!" With that, the black spandex clad unicorn attacked the poor wannabe with its pointy horn of doom. It stabbed! And stabbed some more! And some more and more for the heck of it! Fresh crimson blood was sprayed like a water fountain.

"…are we there yet?" As on cue, Kairi decided to grace them with her now awaken presence, " and what's all these yelli-"

Unicorns. For the first time in her life she saw them with her very own eyes and her girlhood dreams came true. But any normal teenager such as Kairi would think that this is either a dream or that she's getting punk'd. Especially since they're wearing colorful spandex and one of them quite bloody. If it was just a few years ago, she would probably jumping up and down for joy…if it wasn't for the blood and the poor dead wannabe guy dead with a nice breeze going through his open stomach.

"…umm…I'm gonna go back to sleep. This is really weird! It's worse than that time I dreamt about that shinning corn-"

"The Holy Shinning Corn?" The unicorns gasped, "For a mere human girl to possess such ability to dream the Holy Corn, you must be our Mother!" said the Ranger Yellow unicorn in a Chinese accent. With that, the unicorns began to chant about REUNION and JENOVA.

"I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER!" Kairi yelled out in fury.

"What the fuck," Riku, of all the 16 years of life, have never seen anything as outrageous as this in his young life and said something what he never expected himself to say in his entire logical life, "our plane have been high jacked by Power Ranger wannabe unicorns and Kairi has 5 unicorn children…." But Roxas, on the other hand, was enjoying this Kodak moment of horror to the fullest. However, Sora was freaking out.

"Are we going to die? But I don't wanna swim with the fishes! I don't wanna see dead people! I'm too young and beautiful to die!" Sora cried a river long and big enough to rival the Nile.

With all these going on, Namine remained calm. Why? She had the ability to use a little something called a brain and open up a portal of darkness to Florida. She was still wondering why they were wasting time by flying to Florida instead.

"Ranger Black!" Yelled the Red Ranger unicorn, "bring Kaasan to the Magical Room!"

"Man, why you be orderin' me doing all these shit? Huh? Because I'm Black?"

"Oh come on Blackie! We're all friends here! I'm sure Reddie loves you very, very much!" Said the Pink Ranger unicorn in a very...gay manner.

"For the love of! Yellow! Stop playing with your PSP and assist Kaasan to the Magical Room!" Red ordered.

"…2 more meters…roll Katamari, roooooooooooooooll…."

"……Blue, you just do what I told them to do…"

"Finally! Some screen time!"

"Oh my Buddha! A homo unicorn! Now I've seen everything." Kairi sighed as she was dragged away by the grunting Blue Ranger unicorn.

"Aren't you going to save her or something?" asked Roxas.

"I'm too busy counting money" replied Riku.

"Sora?"

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die…"

"…okay…how about you Namine?"

"I've already saved her. She have legs, she have to save herself once in a while," said Namine as she was reading her Gravitation manga, "besides, it'll make her stronger."

"Well, I can't move since my legs are numb. Oh well, maybe it'll turn out somewhat okay. I mean, they called her Mother after all. What can possibly happen?" With that, Roxas looked outside his window.

Half an hour later, Kairi's scream can be heard throughout the plane.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! THEY TOOK MY KIDNEY!"

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KBM: …what the hell did I just WRITE? I'm sooooo getting flamed for this. Blame the hunger! The hunger! Well, they'll be reaching to Florida next chapter…hmm…maybe I'll make Leon appear and have bunch of Asian fan girls after him…he IS Gackt after all…Gackt…I'm going to go drool at his pictures now. Heheheheheheh…I knew he was going to sing the theme song to one of the Final Fantasy games sooner or later…should've just sang for Final Fantasy VIII if you ask me…yay for Malice Mizer! 


End file.
